And I did this rambling little video.
Love you.
Daylight is Brutal
September 23, 2017
I’m depressed.
Nope. It isn’t really helping.
So I guess this kind of thing happens when you’re a human. I read that somewhere.
Oh I also teach that. Cuz I’m like a spiritual advisor and stuff. I coach clients through dark times. I do that. I tell them all the time that there is no shame in being depressed now and then. When you get to the massively depressed get me off the planet feelings, you gotta seek bigger help. I'm not at that point. I'm just at the staying my yoga pants and in my bed most of the time. First I blamed the summer heat, which IS oppressive by the way. But it’s 70 outside today. I just ordered the kids pizza and I’m eating said pizza in my bed. In my sleep shirt.
I suppose that it is “normal” to feel like this after the death of a parent. My dad died 4 months ago. I was there. As these things go it was really beautiful. I mean it was ugly and horrible. It was gut wrenching. I watched my mom’s legs give way at one point. And my dad’s face was twisted into this horrible expression. Until the moment he died. Then he was my beautiful daddy again. Only he was gone. So that sucked. Hard. And the relationship that was supposed to be the one, that also died a few months before dad. And work is kinda horrendous.
Ok I’m back. Well you didn’t know I went anywhere but I had to distract myself with a spot of something on my nightstand because the feelings were coming out of my eyes and feeling kinda big n stuff. I got the spot. Whew.
So...yeah I am a bit depressed. So I thought what better way to spend a saturday when we should all be outside than in my bed eating pizza. I’m allergic to cheese. Perfect. I’ll order a movie. So i order this movie about a girl who gets really sick and her boyfriend and parents spend all this time in the hospital while they are trying to figure her out.
That was an awesome idea. Because the images of the hospital rooms and the discussions with the doctors brought up all kinds of great and painful emotions that I had been saving for ...like ...my birthday probably. In the movie the girl is in the ICU. So was my dad. The nurses in the ICU are a whole other level of human awesomeness. I wanted to do awkward hugging of them several times. There’s a scene in this movie with one of the ICU nurses. That was pretty great. Because I had been wondering if I could still make that guttural sobbing sound. I can. That’s a skill that stays with you I guess.
Then there’s a scene where the camera is looking through the window of the hospital gift shop. And I had this total flashback. I bought the most amazing purse ever in that gift shop. The gay hotel concierge loved it, and it wasn’t even real leather. I wish I’d bought it in every color. I’d drive the 5 hours to get it in every color, but I called and they don’t have it anymore. There’s no tag in the purse, so I can’t google the brand or anything. Not that i have spent a lot of time trying to find ways to hoard this amazing purse that reminds me of my dad when he was in the hospital and he was on his way up and we were all exhausted but so hopeful. Hope. My purse would hold a lot of it because its pretty big. I stopped using it for a while because i didn’t want to wear it out since I can’t get another one. But I'm using it again now. I also have my dad’s t shirt on my pillow. And my son found an almost empty bottle of dad’s aftershave in a duffle bag my mom gave me. It has been years since my dad went anywhere with after shave. So it's like the most sacred liquid I can think of presently.
Hold on I have to dust my bedroom furniture. It’s really bugging me…
Ok that’s better. Another reason I prefer the night time. There is no sunlight pointing out your poor housekeeping abilities. Or reminding you that being in your pajamas at 2pm is ...less than perfectly ok.
Unless you’re a little depressed. I am.
That still isn’t making me feel better.
The pizza is giving me heartburn. Oh wait. That’s grief. Nevermind. The pizza is fine.
I got this nightgown sleep shirt thing on Amazon. Amazon is amazing. I’ve been on there a lot. They don’t have a purse like the one I got at the hospital though, which is disappointing.
I do shower. Kind of obsessively actually. I mean during the week I go to work and I’m ok. Yeah. But on the weekends, when I’m in bed eating pizza, I do get up and shower in between bowls of cereal and pizza. Because that’s healthy.
I’m gonna go finish this movie that hi dredging up painful shit now. That feels healthy somehow too. Cathartic. Or like lancing a wound. More like a bruise. You poke at it to see if it hurts. Of course it fucking hurts. Its purple. Its is blood pooling beneath the skin because you ran into something and injured yourself any tiny capillaries burst. Then sometimes it swells, which is a rush of fluid to the area so that white blood cells can fix things. But it looks pretty shitty. Kind of like crying, which also fixes things that are broken, but doesn’t look good.
I’m gonna go do that now. And then I’m gonna go shower. And take some windex to the mirrors because this fucking daylight thing is brutal.