99 ways to feel better right now!

 Katie Weaver and I came up with this list of ways to make yourself feel better right away! 

1. Listen to your favorite song from 5th grade
2. Wear some fancy clothes (even if just around the house)
3. Go for a walk
4. Cook one of your grandma’s recipes
5. Do your make up
6. Drink something warm
7. Learn a new language (even if just a few words)
8. Watch videos of babies laughing (at dogs)
9. Read a good book
10. Take a bath
11. Meditate
12. Brush your teeth
13. Eat chocolate
14. Hold a baby
15. Crystals (rose quartz and rhodolite, blue kyanite, larimar)
16. Research a day trip
17. Fresh flowers
18. Watch/listen to some stand up comedy (YouTube/Netflix Try Brian Regan & Jim Gaffigan - clean)
19. Listen to the sound of rain or running stream or ocean
20. Decorate something: a cupcake, a room, a scrapbook
21. Rearrange your furniture
22. Hug a tree (heart on tree)
23. Put on lotion
24. Talk to an old friend or an older relative
25. Smudge yourself/your space
26. Verbal clearings/affirmations
27. A cup of tea
28. Look for feathers
29. View art
30. Take a drive
31. Diffuse or wear bergamot essential oils
32. Pay for someone else’s drinks at the coffee shop
33. Open a window
34. Bake something
35. Paint a wall or piece of furniture
36. Get your feelings out (try a sad movie to get your sadness moving. Journal if you’re angry then burn the paper)
37. Windchimes
38. Citrus Fruits (eat em, smell em, juggle em?)
39. Exfoliate/scrub
40. Eat dessert first
41. Pizza
42. Some silence
43. Bird song
44. Eat Root vegetables and earthy foods
45. Sniff grapefruit oil
46. Create art (even if it sucks)
47. Throw a living room dance party
48. A hug/physical touch
49. Burn something
50. Go to the beach
51. Plant something
52. Orgasm
53. Make cookies
54. Watch cat videos online
55. Paint rocks and hide them for others to find
56. Drink a glass of water
57. Color your hair
58. Fun underwear
59. Take off your bra
60. Listen to a podcast
61. Look at old family photos
62. Pull a few cards
63. Eat some chili peppers (endorphins)
64. Put socks on
65. Feed a homeless person
66. Look for cool rocks
67. Put your bare feet on grass
68. Paint your toenails
69. Comb your hair
70. Learn a joke to try out on your family
71. Give a small gift to someone/pay it forward
72. Have a glass of wine
73. Sing
74. Look for cool bugs
75. Eat A bowl of cold cereal
76. Hot shower
77. Make 5 nice comments on social media
78. Read funny Amazon reviews
79. Nurture something
80. Fresh sheets (optional: with shaved legs)
81. Search out a meaningful poem
82. Throw rocks
83. Listening to Music/dance/sing
84. Float in water (or take a bath)
85. Eat Pasta or potatoes
86. Organize something (purse, drawer, make up, closet)
87. Play with money (a stack of 1s, 20s, 100s...whatever you got. Feel it, smell it, spend some time with it. Pull it out of the bank and put it back in later that day)
88. Colored light (colored glasses/light bulbs)
89. Stretch (stretching the back releases endorphins)
90. Cuddle a pet
91. Go home
92. Feed the birds
93. Connect with ArchAngel Jophiel
94. Turn off the lights and light some candles
95. Give yourself a facial
96. Wander a cool cemetery
97. Sleep
98. Eat a popsicle
99. Leave sweet notes in public bathrooms

Who Dis?

Rrrrriiing ring

    Hello?

Hi, is this Ms. McClain?

    Mmmm, who dis?

We are calling from the Astrological Fuckery Department of the Cosmic Forum of Earth Fuckery. We are calling today on behalf of Mars, planet getting shit done.

    Oh. I….

We would like to know if you’d like a 2 month subscription to demotivation?

    Well, not re…

Great! We think you’ll really love Mars retrograde. AND what’s more, with that subscription you get almost 2 more bonus months of frustration for absolutely no charge!

    I don’t think I’m ….

Fantastic! We’re so happy we could fuck with you. We’d also like to offer you 3 hours today of cleaning out drawers of junk you haven’t looked at in a decade in as a way of distracting yourself from the actual work you need to do. Doesn’t that sound great?

    No. it sounds dusty and pointless!

Awesome! Please enjoy your 3 hours of wasting time, procrastinating and feeling like not doing jack shit! Your free trial with Mars will end in November, but your full motivation will stay away until January! So exciting! What a great time to be alive. What a great time to feel uninspired! What a great time to lose track of all the projects you’ve wanted to take on! Just in time for nicer weather too!

    I don’t…

Have a wonderful day Ms. McClain. Enjoy your fuckery.

Click



I mean, here’s the transits and shit. But don’t expect to feel like doing anything with or about them. This New Moon in Virgo feels like a turning point to me. I feel like the inner tension will shift directions. If you’re feeling chill Monday through Wednesday, the 2nd half of the week could feel frustrating. And if you start the week feeling frustrated, Thursday through Sunday you may feel a release.

Or you may just sit on the couch and seethe about that thing that happened 5 years ago. That’s ok too... These are bitchscopes, not pollyannascopes. 


9/14 Sun trine Pluto - drive for power, deep and profound experience

9/15 Venus square Uranus - unexpected urges, desire for freedom, relationship hiccups

9/16 Sun quincunx Eris - suppression of discord. Feeling your point of view is stifled

9/16 Sun square Lunar Nodes - a challenge that arises may be the key to a boost in some area of your life.

9/17 Mercury square Jupiter - Lots of information and communication to be had, but sifting through the crap from the useful stuff can be confusing. Tendency to over expand in too many directions

9/17 Moon conjunct Sun (NEW MOON) 4:00 am PDT - Sun conjuncts Moon in Virgo. Virgo’s analytical and organizational skills are highly activated today and each sign can use them to TRY to get things done, even while retrograde Mars makes faces at you. . (Virgo falls in my 4th house, which is why I’ve been going through ancient boxes and drawers, purging old shit, re-purposing other stuff, and organizing my desk)

9/17 Sun trine Saturn - a great transit for self discipline and hard work. This pairs so beautifully with the New Moon, and that Mercury square Jupiter. But if you find yourself staring at a blank computer screen, blame Mars.

9/18 North Node sextile Eris - a beautiful opportunity to meditate on righteous anger. Where and how is it destructive, and where and how can you harness it to move yourself (and maybe others) forward.

9/18 Mercury quincunx Neptune - chill. Don’t try to make rational sense of things. Observe. Listen with your heart, not your brain.

9/19 Sun quincunx Mars - the excitement that turns you on, may also be your detriment. Also, your instinct may be out of tune today.

9/20 Mercury square Pluto - mental obsession. Singular focus. Rabbit holes



ARIES- a reconnection with someone from your past may crop up this week. This is likely someone pretty far back, perhaps even your childhood. There is good energy here, and good memories, which might help you get in touch with some part of yourself that you had put on a shelf, and it could benefit you now. (These are the gifts of retrogrades)


TAURUS - you may feel tempted this week, or start to question your path. Oh Mars retrograde, you’re so cute. This energy may also present itself as denial about something, or fear of a conflict. Are you swallowing your words to keep the peace? This is a trauma response. Get in touch with your inner Mars.


GEMINI - Don’t be reckless this week, or naive about a situation. Idealism can lead to rash decisions and false starts. There is an adventure ahead of you, but you need to pump the breaks and do some recon of the situation and your surroundings. Your dream is more than worthy, just ground yourself.


CANCER- well you’re kinda on fire this week! Your decision making ability is on point. There is also an indication that a period of intense work and planning will start to flower and show fruit. Legal situations look good for you right now as well.


LEO - Well it may not be the smoothest week. You may find yourself emotionally overwhelmed by a current source of conflict. Are you spending too much time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future? Use this earthy new moon in Virgo to ground and clear your head.


VIRGO- Your past is disrupting your present. Your baggage is taking up too much room in your living room. Are you grieving? Or are you just feeling guilty and judging yourself for something in the past? There’s a big difference. Grief is healthy, guilt is not. Do some clearing work.


LIBRA- Your routine or a lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to is likely to become disrupted this week or soon thereafter. It could be a very positive change, but it will still require an adjustment to what you’ve become used to.


SCORPIO - You may feel like withdrawing pretty dramatically. That is, your departure may literally be dramatic, or you may just feel like making your withdrawal kind of extreme. You may feel disappointed or abandoned by someone you’ve trusted. This feels work related. And while it will sting, it is an action taken by you, not at you, and it is a choice. Alternatively, this could be regarding something that you may have stayed in past its expiration date. Walk away and re evaluate.


SAGITTARIUS - You are really close to seeing something made manifest. Your ship is coming in. Your personal empire may experience expansion very soon, or you may find yourself on an airplane. Yes, even during these strange times. It will make you happy. Try to stay in your joy this week.


CAPRICORN - Someone in your life may have made some crappy choices, likely regarding finances. You may feel like the victim of your debtors. Or someone close may fail to support you in a way that was previously secured. This really doesn’t have the direct affect on you that you fear, it is just in your sphere of experience so try not to over react.


AQUARIUS - You may actually benefit in finances this week. The “system” (yes, the one you probably despise) may work in your favor. You will find support and stability after a period of shittiness. And if you need to know if you’re on the right track with something (what came to mind just now when you read that?) - yes. You are.


PISCES - a personal or business partner may let you down this week. But in truth, your expectations may have paved this road. You may also feel unappreciated and like its time to take your ball and go home. If you do, you will find your people and the appreciation you aren’t feeling now.

Is it hot in here?

The big news this week is Mars stationing retrograde on Wednesday. This retrograde is less common than the other planets’ retros and only happens once every 26 months. It packs a good deal of punch and we have a tendency to gloss over its impact. Mars has been in its home sign of Aries since June 27th. He normally spends about a month and a half, but his time in Aries has been extended because of where he is in his orbit. Mars’ path will start at 28° and back up to 15° where it will turn direct on November 14th.

What’s interesting to me is that during this most powerful Mars position in its home sign, where he is more war-like, we won’t see it reach its full potential. We don’t get a 29° of mars in Aries! He has been fueling our anger, our initiative, our passions for months; he gets right up to 28° then he starts retrograding. Then in November he goes back over the degrees from 15° forward. But we don’t get 29° of Aries until the 5th of January!

I would liken this to collective blue balls. (Yes, I could have likened this to a sneeze that won’t come out. But this is Bitchscopes, and we aren’t beating around the bush. Ha. Besides, women also get the equivalent of blue balls, and more often thank you very much. So I will stick with that metaphor...)

As I was saying...we have all the drive, all the excitement, all the sensations, but we can’t quite get to climax or orgasm. And oh we are trying! Then we stop trying and we might mope for a bit; maybe we take a cold shower or go to the gym Eventually we WILL get that big O. Will it be satisfying? Yes. Will it be its MOST satisfying? That depends on the work you do until then. Your astrological, spiritual foreplay is to be conscious, clear about your goals an desires, clear about what you do and don’t want, willing to give a bit more than is comfortable to it, willing to go into the battle fully prepared to die. There is a French euphemism for the word “orgasm” - Le Petite Mort, which means “the little death”* While I may be wandering into the symbolism of the 8th house a bit, I feel this still fits. Full vulnerability is the (only?) (Best?) most effective to reach orgasm. But one must also be fully embodied, in touch with one’s own breath etc.

*(According to the Dictionnaire de la langue française, at least the editions between 1863 and 1874, this was a 19th-century expression for “le frisson”, the shivers. Honoré de Balzac used it this way in several works, including La peau de chagrin and Une instruction criminelle. It's possible that the English adopted it as a high-class euphemism for "orgasm," and then later came to assume that it had meant the same in French.)

Where was I? Um, Venus, no...Mars...Yes. Mars. 

Mars rules all of our drives, our energy as a whole. His retrograde can bring you some peace, some clarity, and also some frustration. But the real test comes this winter. Plan your strategy like a good warrior.

In refreshing news this week, Jupiter will station direct after months of retrograde in the Council Chamber of Covid Capricorns. She’s been in there with Saturn and Pluto, trying her best to keep things level. She gets to bust out of that total drag of a party this week and continue forward on her mission. She’s been fully informed of the deeper purposes of the Capricorn council, and will proceed into more humanitarian territory in December (when some other interesting breakthroughs are likely), thank goddess!

Now, on with the week!


September 9th: Sun trine Jupiter - positive and optimistic, also a good money day

September 9th: Mars Retrograde in Aries
Mars moves backwards until November 14th. .This is a less common and powerful transit. Having retrograde Mars in his home sign of Aries, the way you see yourself is under scrutiny. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Strategize more than act. Plan get clear about your desires. Keep your temper in check. Think before you act. Drive carefully and be very aware of others. Find an outlet for your frustration.

September 10 Mercury opposition Chiron - the courage to face whatever needs healing

September 11th: Sun opposite Neptune - confusion possible. Don’t be deceived

September 12th: Jupiter Direct in Capricorn
Jupiter began retrograding in May. We’ve been forced to be disciplined, and we understand our purpose, even if a little more on the unconscious side. Our optimism will slowly return and our exuberance for life will find expression again.

September 12th: Mercury inconjunct Uranus - push your ideas past your usual boundaries, explore new mental ground. Control your thoughts. The energy of invention.

September 13: Venus trine Chiron - relationship needs and awareness of personal needs for safety can shift


ARIES: With your ruling planet going retrograde for a pretty intense period, you’re likely to feel the frustration as the weeks tick by. Strategize. Plan. You will find stability and power in having a battle plan. You are in charge of your own life, now more than ever. Establish a good way of releasing energy.


TAURUS: Whatever challenge comes up now, or in the coming days, you are more than equipped to face it, deal with it, and succeed. Don’t second guess yourself or sell yourself short. You DO have the tools and you ARE worthy of the opportunity that is coming.


GEMINI: The light at the end of the tunnel should be coming in to view soon. Of course you won’t see if it your eyes are squinched shut. But the end of a difficult period is here and you can breathe. Movement is coming.


CANCER: Ironically during this time of retrograde, you may see progress. Things you’ve been trying to get off the ground may suddenly soar. New beginnings are here, and they offer a change of direction that can bring more happiness


LEO: You are one of the signs that may really start thriving now and in the coming weeks. Check in with your sense of gratitude and polish up your affirmations. You are in a window of manifestation and inspiration and your mind set matters now!


VIRGO: The sun is in your sign now, and that energy is at your back. However, if you have your head in the clouds too much, you can get taken advantage of in the coming week or 2. If you’re feeling distracted by things like refrigerator organization and color coding towels, make sure you are paying attention to the world outside as well.


LIBRA: Ready, Set, GO. When the challenge or the call arises, and it will soon, you’ll be ready. Right? This would be your sign to GET ready, whatever that may mean. Whatever the thing is, you already have it in mind. A new adventure awaits and it’s coming soon!


SCORPIO: You may not like this message, Scorp...but it is not only OK to ask for help, it is highly encouraged. That may not be the shitty humble pie you immediately suspect it to be. You may be ready to hire an assistant or expand some part of your life. This could be a partnership of almost any flavor. But the key to its success is sharing the ...everything.


SAGITTARIUS: Try to get your ponies in a line. Your finances may be tied up or restricted for a period of time so you’d be wise to be aware and prepared. It’s very possible that this is the result of a new job or change of jobs, which feels very positive. But that transitional period could be touchy. Just be prudent for the next few weeks until your ruler, Jupiter, is at full speed.


CAPRICORN: Your good friend frustration may finally be moving out! You currently have the ability to attract just the right team to help you with your goals. Their influences may be subtle, but you’ll know them when you meet them. With Jupiter turning direct in your sign, you have some rocket boost type energy at your back for the rest of the year.


AQUARIUS: You’d be well served to do some release work now regarding the past. If some people come to mind as you read this, then ...bingo! Whatever resentments you may be holding (and they may have just revisited you very recently), it is to your benefit to clear them and let them go now. I don’t like using the word forgiveness, per se. This is more about scrubbing that energy off of yourself so you can move forward unencumbered. But if forgiveness happens, that’s great!
PISCES: Your investments (primarly in yourself!) will pay off! If you’re thinking of returning to school, do it. If there’s another self investment on your mind, do it. Have patience for the process, but the harvest will be worth it! Reflection and meditation and other awareness work will yield great results for you.

PISCES: Your investments (primarly in yourself!) will pay off! If you’re thinking of returning to school, do it. If there’s another self investment on your mind, do it. Have patience for the process, but the harvest will be worth it! Reflection and meditation and other awareness work will yield great results for you.