Big Dick Energy - BitchScopes for the Week of May 9th

Hey Bitches and Bitchsters! I’m back! Pretty sure. Mostly. Feeling better overall so I’m gonna go ahead and claim I’m back to full and vibrant and badass health. Sure!

So there’s 3 things I’m focusing on for this week’s scopes: Jupiter entering Aries, Mercury retrograde in Gemini, and a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Scorpio. Whoa! That’s quite a week! Maybe I should get back in bed? Nay, I shall persevere!

And so shall you. I am calling this week "Big Dick Energy" with the double entendre dangling there intentionally.  It will give us a boost of confidence in some cases, and it other cases, it may be a big, jerky asshole, aka, a dick.  It is likely a combination of both.  But remember, BDE is a quiet confidence, not an obnoxious arrogance.  Deep rooted self esteem is the goal. If you have it, you can lean into that BDE, if you don't, it is the Universe's goal for you.  This is a lot of energy for one week, so it will be interesting. 

Mercury Retrograde begins on May 10th in one of the signs it rules, Gemini. Communication issues and the typical hijinx of Mercury retrograde around that issue, will be strong. This might also be a nervous transit, since Mercury/Gemini rule the nervous system. Skin and face are also ruled by Mercury, FYI. Mental health is also going to be an important focus. And of course, arguments. With issues like Ukraine, abortion rights, and domestic abuse in the news, there’s plenty to fight about. So be conscious of how you interact with people. When Mercury retrogrades into Taurus, the mood will change to a more frustrated one, but we will talk about that later.

Jupiter has been in Pisces for about a year, during which time we have learned about connection and disconnection, how disease spreads, how religion spreads, and how to be overindulgent in every way. The move into Aries on Tuesday May 10th shifts the focus back to the self, the individual, and reconnecting with the physical. We are likely to feel more motivated and inspired during this time.

The Scorpio full moon lunar eclipse is something to really be aware of. It happens late Sunday the 15th into the wee hours of the morning the 16th. Scorpio is a deep diver, a detective, and a discoverer of truth. Full moons tend to illuminate what was previously hidden or unseen, so secrets could definitely be revealed, truths uncovered, skeletons uncloseted. In a lunar eclipse, the masculine overshadows the feminine, making logic a priority over feelings, and in the case of Scorpio, this would be for the purpose of transforming you or a situation involving you (for your highest good, whether you can see that in the present or not). This is a more aggressive, assertive energy. Full moons ask us to release what is no longer good for us or working for us. If you have a relationship or a job (or a secret) that is not healthy, you can choose to leave it, or the Universe will sometimes help that along. I like to think of it as exfoliating dead skin. But unlike dead skin, we tend to be pretty attached to things in our lives, so it can be a bit more jarring to have the full moon doing it for us and it may feel more like a traumatic debridement than an exfoliating spa treatment. If you’ve been doing your spiritual work, it will be far less upsetting.

So these BitchScopes are going to tell you where these energies affect your sign. I would read for both your Rising and Sun sign. (That is always the case but I forget to state it.)

ARIES - Firstly, Aries, having Jupiter in your sign is going to be fabulous and a big boon to any new projects you start, and could mark the beginning of a “new you”. Mercury will begin his retrograde in your 3rd house of communication, so you could have some technical snafus that you didn’t anticipate…Like, you backed up your hard drive, but your garage door stops working. In a couple weeks, it will back into your 2nd house of income so balance your checkbook now, and start asking yourself “what is the value of X” (not in an algebraic way, ew. In X = “this situation”). The Full Moon in Scorpio might clear the path for you to find a deeper connection and partnership. All things intimate and shared are highlighted for you with this moon.


TAURUS - Jupiter in Aries will transit your 12th house, offering you a well deserved rest. You may also feel a stirring curiosity about spiritual and mystical things. Mercury will retrograde in your 2nd house of income and values. You may find your stocks dip in value (it's temporary!), or that there’s a banking snafu. Examine what you value and how you value it (including yourself). Later, Mercury will back into your 1st house of self, asking you to take a beat and reacquaint yourself with your self. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 7th house of contracted partnerships. You may feel it is time to renegotiate some terms of the agreement.


GEMINI - Jupiter in Aries will transit your 11th house, highlighting your friends and aspirations for the future. You are likely to somehow expand your circle and your tribe during this time. Mercury will retrograde in your 1st house of self. How you present and express yourself to the world may undergo a shift. Sometimes these adjustments are necessary so we are always authentic as we grow and change. Later, Mercury will back into your 12th house where you can take a nap, meditate, or just be alone. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 6th house of work and routine, and oh yeah…health! (ha if you know me, you know this pertains to me oh so much!) You cannot ignore symptoms of distress anymore, whether it is distress in your work environment, distress you cause yourself by being unorganized, or distress in your body. Take care of YOU.


CANCER - Jupiter in Aries will transit your 10th house, suggesting you’re about to move up in the world! Your public facing self is about to expand, get a promotion, or just be more “seen”. Mercury will retrograde in your 12th house of rest, psychology, and spirituality. You may feel a little blue during this time. In a couple weeks, Mercury will back into your 11th house of friends, and you may reconnect with an old friend, or have a misunderstanding with a current friend. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 5th house of play, lucky you! Passion rules in this transit, so make the most of it. That includes creativity, so…Idanno, maybe cover your naked body in paint and roll around on a big piece of paper. (heehee)


LEO - Meow. Jupiter in Aries will transit your 9th house, so make sure your luggage is ready. New Adventures, experiences and travel are very likely over the next year. Mercury will retrograde in your 11th house, then your 10th. Old friends may reappear (for better or worse). Finish your jobs and tie up loose ends at work. This is a good time to update your resume and your professional platforms. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 4th house of home and family. Some sort of domestic issue could escalate and resolve, or there may be a change of who you live with over the next few months.


VIRGO - Jupiter in Aries will transit your 8th house, ramping up intimacy, sexuality, and personal transformations. “Unearned” money (winnings, inheritance, tax returns, loans) are also key for this period. Mercury will retrograde in your 10th house career and public image, and then move into the 9th. Changes in your “job” may occur, as well as changes in your beliefs and philosophies. Maybe your current job doesn’t jive with your soul anymore, or maybe it never did. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 3rd house of communication. You may be making strong statements on social media, or having a “come to Jesus” meeting with someone.


LIBRA - Jupiter in Aries will transit your 7th house, so your contracted partnerships are in for a boost. That means your marriage partner as well as your business partners. Mercury retrograde will start in your 9th house of adventure and experience and finish in your 8th house of “other people’s stuff”. You’ll be thinking about the future and making plans for your shared resources. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 2nd house of income and value. The moon will illuminate something about your money, how you spend, what you value, etc.


SCORPIO - Scorpio, Jupiter in Aries will transit your 6th house, of work, habits and health. Things will be improving in these areas. Mercury will retrograde in your 8th house of sex and money. Take a look at your life insurance plans and needs. Talk to your partner about your sexual needs. Secrets may come out during this time. In a couple weeks, Mercury will back into your 7th house contracts, so you may want to examine the “terms” of your agreements. This includes your spouse, and your work partners. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your very own sign and it could mark the beginning of a great new you! Old you things will be swept out of the way to make room for some kind of TADA moment.


SAGITTARIUS - Jupiter in Aries will transit your 5th house, so you can expect an uptick in fun, romance, and creativity! Mercury retrograde will start in your 7th house of marriage and contracts and finish in your 6th house of work, health and habits. You’ll be re-evaluating the terms of your agreements with others, as well as how you care for yourself. A change in lifestyle or health management is likely over the next several months. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your mysterious and confusing 12th house. This is prime territory for secrets being revealed, personal revelations, and skeletons falling out of closets (probably your own). This will spark a healing, one way or another.


CAPRICORN - Cappy, my not so secret favorite, Jupiter in Aries will transit your 4th house. So you will be working on your home, expanding your home or family, or moving. Domestic stability will be increasing. Mercury will retrograde will start in your 6th house of health and habits and finish in your 5th house of fun and creativity. It’s time to reorganize your work space and/or your routine. Doing so will boost your creative energy. While Mercury is in Taurus, you creativity may stall, so don’t decide what is or isn’t working for sure until mid-June. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 11th house of friends. Though that house also rules Aquarian things and technology. So you may have an upgrade in those things, with an eye on how they support your future goals.


AQUARIUS - Jupiter in Aries will transit your 3rd house of communication. If you’re in broadcasting or publishing, or wanting to be published, this could be the year! Mercury will retrograde in your 5th house of fun and creativity, and children and then move into the 4th. So there may be some communication issues with or among your children, or you may be making changes to your home environment. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 10th house of career and public image. This might be the kick off the Jupiter in the 3rd house expansion of your message. Make sure your business ducks are in a row.


PISCES - Jupiter is departing your sign and moving on. So you may feel a little bajiggity for a few days as you adjust. But this is actually going to be great! Jupiter in Aries will transit your 2nd house, expanding your income and your value! Mercury will retrograde in your 4th house of home and family and then move into the 3rd. You might be re-evaluating things you believed about your childhood or family, including siblings (3rd house). As Mercury finishes up, you may have the trickster irritating you with dead batteries and other technical snafus. The Full Moon eclipse occurs in your 9th house of experience. You may have an a-ha moment about how you’ve limited yourself and throw off all that old bullshit. Sudden opportunities for travel or “expansion” may also pop up for you.

I’m late, I’m late…BitchScopes for May 1-8

Sorry scopes are late.  I took a beat to rest, feel like shit, have a migraine, sweat profusely due to prednisone withdrawal, swear at boxes, shuffle aimlessly through the cardboard chaos that is moving, and basically just be a mess.  I suck at resting.  A lot.  But my body is forcing me to.   I had covid last August and I’m definitely having some long covid issues.  Then I got shingles. My migraines are hormonal.  I’m all fucked up, y’all.  

Anyway that’s why they’re late.  

So there are a large number of sextiles in the transits this week.  Sextiles are chill and cooperative, so it looks like this week will be mostly gentle. (Thank fuck for small mercies!) 

There’s a lot of change afoot, stirred up by the eclipse and Uranus. Idanno how I feel about that, in light of the “news” around Roe v Wade. The US is in the midst of its Pluto return, and the chart for Roe v Wade has some challenging transits happening as well.  It’s interesting to study, disturbing to watch unfold.  

Excuse me, I must go iron my red handmaids robe.  Here are your extra bitchy BitchScopes! 

ARIES - keep your head down and focus on whatever your current pet project is.  There’s potentially some drama among friends that you want no part of.  It will settle without your help, so just stay out of the fray. 

TAURUS - Happy Birthday! If you feel a tad blue and withdrawn, it will pass. It’s normal around birthdays, actually.  But the eclipse and it’s dust ups might have you feeling a little bajiggity, needy, or nostalgic. This week, treat yourself to what your heart needs;  If that’s a cashmere pillow and some Godiva chocolate, well then the heart wants what the heart wants! 

GEMINI - if your nervous system has been out of whack or over-wound, Mercury retrograde may actually help you.  It is in your sign, and it is likely to be a pain in the ass for all the stereotypical reasons (communications, computers, cars, you know). BUT, there’s a reset for you within this cycle.  Mercury stations retrograde next Tuesday, so set some intentions for it like you would for a new moon.  Crazy? Maybe.  Do it anyway cuz I said so! 

CANCER - one of the changes stirred up for you may be around a theme of “focus”. your attention may be in too many different places/groups/projects.  You’ve pulled this off for quite awhile but you may need to rein it in for the 2nd half of this year.  This relatively peaceful week is a good time to make some lists and examine what your true priorities are. 

LEO - there’s a mixture of sincere pride in your own work, and a sort of wistfulness about things you haven’t done and that you realistically may not get to do.  Accepting limits is not always your strong suit.  But knowing yourself and your limitations makes a good leader, and you are already that.  Make peace with what is and what is not meant to be.  

VIRGO - you are definitely having a period of golden glory, and you deserve it.  You’ve been through more than most.  There’s someone who has played an important role that you are deliberately avoiding gratitude for.  That’s worth looking into to see why that is.   Mercury retrograde might is a good opportunity to explore this.  

LIBRA - Nostalgia may get the best of you and have you longing for what you think were simpler times.  They weren’t simpler.  The mind is a powerful and protective thing and I can blur the difficult details sometimes.  What’s in front of you is way better than what’s behind you.  The eclipses will be blowing good stuff your way soon.  

SCORPIO - you may feel like your mojo is out to lunch.  Don’t be a silly bitch! Your mojo is as hot as it ever was.  However, you may be experiencing a shift in how your magic expresses itself.  Let this develop and don’t try to steer the river.  Be an observer while we are in this eclipse hallway. You’ll figure out the password to your mojo very soon!

SAGITTARIUS - if you feel like you’re doing the 2 steps forward 1 step back dance, you likely are.  There seems to be moments and bursts of progress and then periods of ebb.  You are making progress, just not as fast as you’d like, as usual.  If you look back over the last 6 months at how much you’ve changed and learned, it might help your perspective.  

CAPRICORN - take your vitamins, because you will find yourself on a mission or a passion project soon, (if it hadn’t already happened).  It’s not as though moss has been gathering on your back (it never has!) but your fire has been on low for a bit.  You’ll feel that satisfaction you’ve been craving soon enough.  

AQUARIUS - if you’ve been feeling that your friends group has been very thinned out or stripped down (and it may have been for quite awhile), you have some great new connections to look forward to.  It will be coalescing over the course of this year, but your tribe is forming.  It’s overdue for you, and you’ll feel great about it. 

PISCES - if you recently took a gamble and spoke your mind to someone and it didn’t go the way you hoped, don’t freak out.  The can of worms you opened may be just the right worms for the job.  Try to let things unfold without fussing too much.  Be cool.  Let mercury retrograde do its thing, too.  It will suss out details you need to see

What to Expect When You're Eclipsing - New Moon Solar Eclipse BitchScopes for the week of April 25th

Hey bitches! I’m buried in boxes so I’m gonna cut right to the chase. The big deal this week is the New Moon Solar Eclipse, of course. This is a Taurus new moon, and this set of eclipses will be in Taurus and Scorpio all year. When the feminine energy of the moon blocks out the masculine energy of the sun, we are reminded, perhaps not subtly, that we must pay attention to our bodies, our senses, our physicality, our sexuality. We are “asked” to pay attention to our own value, as well as what we value. New moon eclipses are a wilder version of a new moon, and can cause a little chaos. But chaos is a core element of the creative process, so we can expect new opportunities and projects to start swirling around us. Some doors will fly open and some will slam shut, and all of this is a course correction to get us back in alignment with our purpose and our path.

Uranus in Taurus is conjunct the eclipse, which normally could indicate some possible upsetting surprises, but Mars in Pisces sextile the eclipse offsets that with motivation and well-directed energy. Changes that come from this eclipse are likely to be very positive ones that offer a breath of fresh air. (The exception to that would be if you have been holding on to something for way too long and the Universe has to pry it from your blue fingers for your own good. In such cases, the changes would be more jarring and upsetting.)  New projects are very much favored in this swirl of planetary juju. Money, Luck and love are all around. Then, as we emerge from the eclipse energy into the month of May, Venus, Jupiter, and Neptune are in a triple conjunction in Pisces that sextiles this eclipse, offering a dreamy, artsy, sensitive hug.

While new moons are great for manifesting rituals, an eclipse can be a little too “busy”, so it's often better to pull in the oars and go with the flow. However, spend some time in the days leading up to the eclipse thinking about things you really want to materialize in your life. If you’ve been doing “the work” up to this point, then you’ve likely decided which river to set your kayak in, which is like setting an intention for the journey.

So without further adieu, let’s see what each sign can expect for this eclipse.

ARIES - You’ve got money on your mind, and the desire to increase that flow into your bank account. This eclipse could definitely open a door for a new opportunity to make some moola. You may also feel pretty spendy. So depending on what you’re trying to accomplish, you may need to get your finances organized and look at an actual budget. Your self esteem could get a boost during this time as well.


TAURUS - It could be time for a “new you”. If you’ve been thinking about a new hair style or having some kind of “work” done on yourself, this is good time for it. This moon is going to give a zhuzh to your overall energy level too. So if you’ve had the winter blahs, you should start to feel better, even if the weather is still weird where you are.


GEMINI - If you feel called to do it, volunteering for a cause you care about is well-timed after this eclipse. Comfort is a theme of Taurus, so you might be able to offer some to someone else, and it will fill your cup as well. Be aware of any sneaky Taurus behaviors you might be doing, like overspending or over indulging. Seclusion and quiet time is good for you right now.


CANCER - Friendships can get a boost during this new moon solar eclipse. Your connection may become more honest/genuine/easy than in the past. If you’re called to it, joining a group that deals in humanitarian issues would be the perfect new project for you. You have a lot to offer such a group and it will shift some things in your life that might feel stuck.


LEO- If you are a career-minded person, this new moon solar eclipse could very well stir up a promotion or raise for you. Regardless of what you do or don’t do for work, there is some advancement imminent in your public sector, and there will be more attention on you. If you become the topic of discussion or gossip, consider it a good sign. Don’t even blink about what’s being said, because it doesn’t matter…it is an indication that your star is indeed rising.


VIRGO - This eclipse is likely to stir up both desire and opportunity for you to expand your current life experience. Travel is one such opportunity that may show up, so dust off your luggage. This transit also bodes well for writing and publishing, and may give you the prod you need to move forward with a project.


LIBRA - If you are looking for a loan, the next few weeks is a good window for you to apply. You might also work on paying off some debt or other things that relate to “other people’s money”. This eclipse also activates personal transformation, and sexuality. Intimacy may be a theme that rises to the surface. Depending on how well you know yourself, it could be a little uncomfortable. However, if you are an intense person, then the intensity of these transits probably won’t even faze you.


SCORPIO - This new moon solar eclipse rules all of your contractual relationships, as well as “the devil you know”. Most of the time, you don’t give much of a damn about people who don’t like you. But if something starts nagging at you about such a person or situation, do the deeper work and examine why it bothers you. Opportunities for new relationships can present now, too.


SAGITTARIUS - this eclipse may kick off a cycle for you of awareness of your personal health and wellness. A new fitness routine is one possible outcome. If your life has felt messy, you may also be motivated to impart some order to the chaos, which may include a change to some of your personal habits. This transit also affects small pets and your daily work, so a new fur baby may be cards for you in the near future.


CAPRICORN - Good news for you! This eclipse will spark a new cycle of overall fun for you. Playing, going to gatherings and parties, a romance are very possible outcomes for you over the course of this year. This is cosmic justice for all the crap you’ve been through with the tough planets in your sign for so long. You should expect an uptick in your creative energy too, though it may not come as a lightning bolt so much as a slow simmer that builds up to your previous levels.


AQUARIUS - This eclipse affects your home life, your actual dwelling, and your family. If you’ve been following me, you know I am an Aquarius, and that I JUST moved houses and am in the midst of cardboard chaos. So if you’re an Aquarius, you may be moving this year (because eclipse energy carries out over months, and other eclipses will take place on this same axis all year), or you may be remodeling, decluttering, or decorating. I will be doing all of those, and I already need a drink and a nap! This transit also indicates more focus on family and more time with them. (is that good or bad?) If you’re moving and you need boxes…holla at ya girl. 


PISCES - This eclipse will kick off a cycle of communication and information. If you’re a writer, this bodes well for both writing and publishing all year. You will have an easier time gathering and understanding information in general, and communication with others will be good. Your sibling relationships can benefit from this transit as well. And you may find yourself with new neighbors. (They are probably an Aquarius!)