Twas the Night Before Bitchmas (BitchScopes for December 20-27)

'Twas the week of Christmas and all thru the hood, 

ripples of worry and prayers for sprinkles of good.  

The humans were tired, and troubled, and sick, 

because in 2021, Covid was a real dick.  


Shopping was stressful and working retail was hell

Small businesses were struggling and trying to sell

Restaurant servers were sick of depending on tips

And people’s every rude thought passing their lips


Humanity was pretty damn sick of itself

And had even mostly retired that stupid Elf on a Shelf

The stockings were hung but not with much care

What did it matter if no family was there?



They were sick of the masks and sick of the rules

They were sick of the shootings in all of the schools

They were sick of the news and political fights

They were sick of the bullshit from the left and the right


So what could they do when no hope seemed close by

Just more bad news flying hither and nigh

Then some dreamer looked up and it donned on them: HEY!

There’s always hope in every new day


Just look at that sunset, and sunrise, without fail

Look at your dog, just happily wagging their tail

Over there a baby, giggling like mad

Like this is the best day they’ve ever had


Maybe it is, thought the dreamer, maybe I can smile too

Just because I exist, and hey! So do you!

Our hearts are still beating and our brains are so cool

Here we are working and playing and acting a fool


We all have something to offer, talents that are unique

To shape a better tomorrow, for the future we all seek

So the dreamer looked up at the sky for some inspo

From the planets and stars, and really God, for some info


Aries, next year, Jupiter in your sign will be rad

You will have opportunities many and meet new people like mad

A new chapter will open for your personal dreams

And lots of good luck and expansion will be yours it seems


Taurus, you’re due for a good time, its true

Not many have been through as much lately as you

But next year there’s money, and connections galore

And if you’re single, there could be something more!


Gemini your career is going to soar

the plans that you’ve made will open new doors

You’ll need to be tidy and light on your feet

Because you will blow the mind of everyone you meet


Cancer, next year should be gentler, thank Goddess for that

You’ve been busier than the Cat in the Hat

But you can stop juggling and slow down a bit

Because Venus will pull out your chair for a sit. 


Leo, your money will finally settle

You made it thru a rough patch and showed your real mettle

Advances in job and investments are near

And toward the end, there’s some love looming for you next year!


Virgo you have had a real rough ride

With money and love and your health on the side

But next year stability is coming to you

Congratulate yourself on seeing it through!


Libra next year you’ll feel plenty of smiles

Both romantic and financial gifts run on for miles

Things will calm down, and feel more at ease

You will have the freedom to do what you please


Scorp, you’re in for a good one when it comes to your heart

Love new or established will get a fresh start

Romantic elation, artistic and childlike expression

Are all in store for you in the 2022 session


Sadge, your hard work will pay off in spades

Next year there are great plans to be made

Your insides are growing and that’s always great

Especially if the timing is right, you may find a mate!



Cap, no surprise, your career will be hot

And you’re likely to do far better than not

Big payoffs, both with money and love

Are aimed right at you from the sky up above


Aquarius, you’ll be asked to work hard for some gains

But it won’t feel like it was work when it starts to rain

Commitment is possible, and that’s a good thing

Whatever the payoffs, they’ll make your soul sing.


And Pisces, you are so due for break

And it’s coming, with a bunch of money to make

Many invites and opportunities will appear

You’ll almost forget 2021 was a pain in the rear!


So all should take heart, and do what life asks

Because 2022 will be better, with or without masks.

Humanity will rebound, and start to care once again

Where we are going is just as important as where we have been


Sure it won’t be perfect, but its worth having great hope

That 2022 will have gifts and surprises, and may even be “dope”

(that’s teen slang for groovy, its not about pot

But if that makes you happy then hell, smoke it a lot!) 


Life is short and a precious magical gift

But sometimes is heavy and we all need a lift

So lift up each other, and lift up your eyes

When you feel lost, just look up at the Sky.

Dec 20

Mercury trine Uranus - genius moments, breakthroughs, exciting news
Sun enters Capricorn - time to get serious, committ, and do things “by the book”.
Ceres conjunct North Node - Your nurturing side can take the lead, somewhat effortlessly. It will just happen.


Dec 22

Sun quincunx N. Node sacrifice needed to achieve goals
Nodes enter Taurus and Scorpio - finding balance between the material and the spiritual; creating stability; understanding value and obligation
Mercury conjunct Juno - good communication with partner


Dec 24

Saturn square Uranus - Play it again Sam. The undoing and shaking up of structures. Traditions, foundations (mostly on a global, social and political scale, but can also have personal ripples)
Neptune square Vesta - cloudy thinking and lack of realism around work tasks and their potential outcomes
Mercury quincunx Lilith - self censoring your sexuality or rebellious nature (which may not be a bad idea if you’re visiting with family for the Holiday!)

Dec 25

Venus Rx conjunct Pluto - power struggles in committed relationships; desire for deep(er) connection
Mars trine Chiron - past wounds and “failures” motivate you
Pallas sextile Juno - partner-shared goals
Jupiter square Ceres -overwhelmed by family issues (wut?! At Xmas? No way! LOL)

Dec 26

Mercury sextile Neptune - perfect for the day after Christmas - relaxation, daydreaming, creativity


Dec 27

Jupiter square North Node - risk of “over expansion”; pace yourself; at odds with your higher self

It's a lot...BitchScopes for December 13-20

Alright! Here we are, y’all. This week the much touted, often grimly painted Venus retrograde begins. I have read so much garbage about this. Look, can shitty things happen during a retrograde? Of course. Shitty things happen every day, and all we have to blame it on is ourselves, our cats, our mothers, or the moon. So we get excited when we have something else to blame! Fact is, we’ve had a lot of sweeping change type transits, including some pretty juicy and potent eclipses…oh, eclipses. Another thing that many astrologers love to spin people into a tizzy about.

So here’s the thing: if you hate your job, you may decide to quit. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is kind of an asshole who doesn’t treat you well, you may decide to end it. You may decide the Lexus you bought was not a great deal after all, or that your new hair style is so bad that you want to shave your head. But if you’re mostly happy with your job, your hair, and your partner, things are probably going to tick along like “normal”. But..are you ready to feel more valued? Are you ready to feel better about yourself? Are you ready to have a job that pays you what you deserve (not what you delusionally want or think you deserve based on the overhyped shit your mom told you when you were 14 and being mercilessly bullied and she didn’t want you to kill yourself…what you deserve based on your skills and education and what you offer the company and clients)? Ok then. Let’s do that.

Venus retrograde will have us examining how we feel valued and what we value and why. It can bring clarity. Like Mercury retrograde, you can harness this to improve your life. Venus retrogrades the least often of any of the planets, so we do tend to feel this more personally. But you can use this period to work on self love, valuing yourself, planning money and resources for the next several months. Fairness, justice and balance are also on the docket. But like eclipses, even when the changes feel icky at first, they are always for our highest good. For instance, If you are in a relationship that you know isn’t going well, you may just finally pull the plug on it. I did this in 2017 during Venus retro (as it turned out, I met him during the previous Venus retro in 2015. Weird huh? The Venus retro in 2010 also marked relationship milestones for me. I moved in with a guy, against all better judgement, and the next retro in 2012 I was moving out). So, Ok…maybe be aware that relationships started under this, may also end under it. You might also try to resist the urge to buy expensive and luxurious items. Don’t drastically change your hair or overall appearance.

But enough about that. There’s other juicy stuff this week. The key here is to focus on yourself, your own behavior, your own words, your own needs. It isn’t selfish. If more people did that, we would actually be in much better shape to respond to the other people around us. Be willing to grow, in spirituality, in how you value yourself, in your relationships, in your career. Growth can cause aches and pains, so if you feel that in some area, it is probably a good thing. If you feel something more than “discomfort”, it might be an indication that something is off balance and needs correcting.

There is a lot of real and delusional “fate” at play this week. Things that happen will feel significant, important, powerful, and “meant to be” in some cases. The North Node makes some significant aspects, and the Sun’s conjunction to the Galactic Center is hard to ignore as well. Literally, things that happen will be “hard to ignore”. It will be important for you to listen to your gut if you are dating, because on the one hand you may meet someone who really is aligned with your life purpose. On the other hand, you may be wearing the Venus beer goggles. If it seems too good to be true, if he is love bombing you early on, if he says all the right things but doesn’t follow through…red flag!!!

To further complicate this week, especially if you are dating or in a committed relationship, there’s a Full Moon in Gemini. Gemini rules information, and full moons are known to illuminate truths that were previously hidden. So you can expect some new information or news to show up, depending on where Gemini falls in your chart. Luckily, this Full Moon is trine Jupiter, so this information will benefit us. However, the moon is also quincunx Venus and Pluto (Venus and Pluto are conjunct) so there’s difficulty of expression and/or an imbalance of power, affection, or money. It’s likely that we may feel emotionally needy, or have an increased need for affection, but a difficulty in getting it, or expressing the need. Perhaps we struggle with vulnerability.

It’s a lot, and just in time for the thick of the Holiday season. (Holy Crap…I took my kids shopping Saturday and it was so chaotic I wondered if we were in World War Z or something!) Stay grounded and alert. Stay tuned in to yourself. Express your truths and needs with your loved ones openly and honestly. Be transparent and conservative with your finances. Hug your people. Hug your self. Hug your cat.

This isn’t doomsday, it just feels like it in most parking lots. Lean in to love.

Dec 13

• Mars enters Sagittarius - we are all more passionate and adventurous. (last time was January 2020)
• Mercury enters Capricorn - conversation and thinking are more serious, practical, methodical
• Mercury quincunx North Node - use your intellect to navigate a difficult situation. And pay attention: is there a pattern that you seem to repeat at play here?

Dec 14

• Mars conjunct South node - cathartic release around past “mistakes” or actions
• Mars opposite North Node - tension that can provide motivation toward your goals

Dec 15

• Sun trine Eris - your rebellious nature (OR true authentic self) can find an outlet and have center stage
• Uranus trine Juno - possible breakthroughs in committed relationships particularly around trust

Dec 17

• Vesta opposite Lilith - your rebellious ideas (the stuff that doesn’t fit in society’s tidy boxes) can fuel your career at this time

Dec 18

• Full Moon in gemini 8:36 pm PST - healing old wounds, releasing crap we don’t want to take into the next phase (2022)
• Sun conjunct Galactic Center - supports your soul purpose and brings you into alignment, as well as providing clarity about your path
• Mercury square Chiron - expressing your pain may be challenging (use the moon!)

Dec 19

• Venus Retrograde 26 Capricorn - introspection and reassessment of “values”, what we value, and how we feel valued
• Sun sextile Jupiter - optimism and good luck

Dec 20

• Mercury trine Uranus - genius moments, breakthroughs, exciting news
• Sun enters Capricorn - time to get serious, committ, and do things “by the book”.
• Ceres conjunct North Node - Your nurturing side can take the lead, somewhat effortlessly. It will just happen.

Aries - This week, and for the next few, you are likely to be made aware of some new information that will have you really pondering your career path. It will take a minute for you to process this information. Ultimately, whatever this is will lead you to a better position in one way or another. You will have the upper hand, or the inside info needed to negotiate a raise, a promotion, or a new specialty that interests you. This will be a process unfolding for the duration of Venus in Capricorn. But come next April, you stand to be in a much better position!


Taurus - You may be feeling a little beat up lately. Money is an issue that seems to keep coming up. Education of some kind is the key to unlocking more money. The Full Moon will show you some places where your money has been “leaking” or not properly channeled. Over the next few months you will be able to clear up some old debts and agreements that are truly finished. Going forward, you need to look carefully at either taking some classes to advance yourself or teaching as a means of adding to your income stream. It could be any kind of teaching, really. But this would be at a college or beyond level, ideally. Next year will be busy, so stay organized.


Gemini - The next few weeks will have you examining your role in your personal relationships and how it may be shifting in the near future. If things have felt out of balance in the past, that will change. Shared resources (and other people’s money such as taxes, winnings, inheritances) are highlighted by Venus’ travels through Capricorn. Organization, notes, reminders, and yes, even spreadsheets, will be your friend as you level up your status, and the complications that can go with that.


Cancer - Slow your roll, Crabby Patty. You’ll want to give yourself room in your schedule where possible, over the next several weeks. You will need time and space to process some information and realizations you are likely to have after this Full Moon. It may be that a secret comes to light, or that information you have been in a bit of denial about is no longer avoidable. You may be able to figure out something regarding your health that has been a bit of an annoying mystery, or realize a habit you have that you thought was good may be contributing to a problem. You will need your partner to be stable and reliable during this period, as you give yourself some legit rest on a regular basis.


Leo - Information about a friend or associate may come to light after this Full Moon. It isn’t earth shattering, just unexpected. Your work/play balance may be off kilter, and you’ll need to either force yourself to take a break, or make yourself do the boring stupid tasks you get paid to do. Ugh. Some of this balance issue may lead to some awareness in your body. That exercise you do may be contributing to your pain, not helping it…or something like this. Venus in Capricorn is going to ask you to pay more attention to your physical being for a several weeks, so just do it. Capricorn is not fun to try to negotiate with…


Virgo - The full moon will light up information around your career house, and you may have to make some adjustments to keep things moving in the right direction. One of those adjustments may be your work/family balance. Some family issues from times past may show up around this time, so keep your cool. If you have children, the way you parent may be a focus for several weeks. You may need to be a little more conservative or strict to correct something. This could also apply to pets, depending on your placement. OR that family issue you’re dealing with may have something to do with the way you were parented. Oh, the holidays…good times. Stay cool, and seek out fun!


Libra - You may find yourself really changing your mind about something you thought you firmly believed in, and it may rock you a little. Beliefs are not meant to be static. In fact, the ability to change your mind is a sign of evolution, so embrace it. You may want to keep your thoughts to yourself for a while though, because under the current planetary influences, it may not come out right, or you may offend someone you don’t wish to offend (Which for a Libra is most everyone). Family money issues will be a focus while Venus is in Capricorn. If something is amiss or screwy, it should be much more resolved come April.


Scorpio - Well you are pretty much the Queen or King of Intimacy among all the zodiac signs. This full moon may shed some surprising light on intimacy issues you were not aware of. For the next several weeks, you will want to be careful with your words and make sure emails are properly composed so that your point does not get missed, especially at work. Misunderstandings could affect your paycheck in some way.  But those intimacy issues could very well involve communication as well.  You aren't scared...it'll be fine!


Sagittarius - This full moon illuminates your relationships, so you may receive some information that was previously unknown or hidden. It isn't necessarily bad, so don’t let it mess with your head or your sense of self. Venus in Capricorn, even while retrograde, could make you some money. You may get some ideas during retrograde that you can put into action in the Spring to reap the benefits. This could also be some inklings about changing jobs or companies in order to see more value for your work.


Capricorn - Your body may be giving you some messages that you haven’t been listening to, but it will make itself loud and clear under this full moon. It could be something as ordinary as your menstrual cycle, or something a bit more complex. If you happen to have any kind of surgery scheduled, it will go well and provide the needed information. Venus retrograding in your sign will definitely affect the way you see yourself and how you present that self in the world. On the other side of this, you will have a better grasp of your true value as a person, employee, partner, etc. The growing pains may be unpleasant. But as much as you work, and love working, you grossly undervalue yourself in other aspects of life.

Aquarius - The good news is that romance seems to be on the horizon for you…real close! But feel things out properly before you commit to anything or anyone. Relationships started under a Venus retrograde are often false starts, or fake outs. If that happens, know that the real thing is really close behind it. Enjoy the romance (and there will be some), enjoy the parties and the new friends, but don’t put a ring on anything!


Pisces - This next several weeks are all about your people. Friends, family, co-workers…they will all be tugging on your heart. The full moon is likely to show you some information about your family that you didn’t realize before. It could be mundane, or it could be profound, but it doesn’t feel terribly disruptive. Outside of your home life, you will be poised to really grab on to some professional opportunities, and they are likely connected to your friends, friends of friends, etc. You’re going to be busy, so self care and boundaries are going to be essential.

December is for faith, January is for spreadsheets BitchScopes for December 6-13

This week looks exactly like a week after a New Moon Solar Eclipse filled with sweeping change....because it is.  With the exception of Sunday’s Sun square to Neptune, this week is ripe for planning for the future, and motivation to achieve. Formation of new projects is highly favored. It could be interesting to see how said projects form, because on the one hand, Eris is wanting to buck the traditional, and on the other hand, Mercury in Capricorn wants to be practical and maybe even traditional. So I would suggest this: let the Sagittarian fire of motivation and desire burn freely. Take lots of notes, make your wild vision board, let your imagination run free. When Capricorn kicks in, you can review those notes and knock off the “unsuitable” edges.

Enjoy the creative process for the moment. Let the season inspire you (or, let the depression of the season inspire you...that also works) to aim high. Dream big. Feel the magic of co-creating with the badass energies like Eris and the Centaurian Archer. Let desire and belief propel your engine. December is for faith, January is for spreadsheets.

Mars and Venus are sextiling right now, so be on the lookout for opportunities and invitations. There is an easy flow between the very powerful placements of Venus in Capricorn (practical and committed) and Mars in Scorpio (a detective driven to uncover truth and deep connections) this week. Say yes more than no this week. Next week when Mars is in Sagittarius, you will feel inspired to pick up the ball and run with it, right into the Capricorn end zone. (OMG look at me making sports references! Who am I?)

I can’t wrap this up without saying that there is some sexy energy to this week as well. Chemistry may be hot, but be forewarned, Venus will be in Capricorn for an extra long time while she retrogrades (later this month), so flings and half-assed relationships are not favored, but commitment is. So be careful who you flirt with.


Dec 6
Mars sextile pluto - drive to achieve goals


Dec 7
Venus square Eris you may feel strong desires for freedom (and/or sex) but feel repressed in some way
Mercury square Neptune - distorts thinking

Dec 8
Mars square Jupiter - initiative to start new projects

Dec 9
Mercury trine Eris - expression of rebellious ideas is well received

Dec 11
Venus conjunct Pluto - desire for deep connection
Mercury sextile Jupiter - planning for the future is favored

Dec 12
Sun square Neptune - feeling unmotivated, vulnerable

Dec 13
Mars enters Sagittarius - very motivated, especially by our ideals and beliefs
Mercury enters Capricorn - serious and “proper” conversation, serious and practical thinking


ARIES - Your career continues to be an area of focus. The way you are valued or the pleasure you do or do not take in your work will be slowly transformed. Your desire to climb the ladder and achieve goals is stronger than usual at this time (and normally its nothing to shake a stick at!). Check your loan interest rates, stock options, and income streams that are not related to your work, as you may uncover some treats.

TAURUS - You are probably feeling restless, and ready for things to move on to the next phase already. Your itch to travel or experience some kind of freedom is somewhat dampened by obligations and boring shit like responsibility. But this is a very good time to explore new business relationships, negotiate contracts, and deepen existing relationships. Things will build up until around February and March, so do what you can to be ready for whatever that is.

GEMINI - Get thee to a massage and day spa, with haste! Ok it doesn’t really need to be “with haste”, but you do that naturally anyway. Your sensuality is heightened right now, and your physical body needs attention. Another reason for a massage is that perfectionism may be causing you stress. Progress over perfection is your mantra for the next couple months, at least.

CANCER - If you are married or partnered, get your honey and go on a date. Leave the kids at home or with grandma and go experience the magic of Christmas, adult style. Co-workers and employees could use some fun as well. So if it is within your power, see if you can organize some kind of holiday get together that has no business purpose, just pleasure.

LEO - Home is where the heart is and where you’d rather be most these days. In the quest for security and snuggles, be aware of not being too critical of the people you live with. That criticism may also be directed at yourself, specifically your body. Love your temple and honor it for the ways it serves you, daily. If you’re due for a dental check up, or a bone density test (yes, that’s oddly specific - Venus in capricorn in your 6th house), this is a good time to get it done.

VIRGO - You should be feeling confident and sharp as a tack these days. Take advantage of your clear and creative thinking right now. Your wit is sharper than usual, so do take care to not fling verbal barbs at someone without meaning to, or engage in hurtful gossip. Lean into any artsy or creative tendencies you have to channel that energy.

LIBRA - You may be feeling sensitive, and even a bit needy this week. Both emotionally and physically you will be desiring some deeper connection. Your focus will be on your home and family, so you could certainly fill that need with some quality time with them. But ideally, some intimacy would work wonders. If you’re partnered or married, I think you know how to scratch that itch. You may be a little preoccupied about money matters, but you need not worry. This area of your chart is well tended right now.

SCORPIO - Not that you are usually a wall flower, but you will be on fire for a couple weeks. Mars transiting your 1st house makes you bold and confident. Your energy level will be high, so put it to good use, but also be a good steward of your time. You will be more outspoken than usual during the next couple of weeks as well, and you know how you can get. Be nice. Be a problem solver, not a pot stirrer.

SAGITTARIUS - You can be very lucky with money these days. But watch your wallet, because the urge to splurge may be strong. This money will be earned, and come from work you do. “Practical arts” (I may have just made that up) are favored, which makes me think of “the trades” like construction and electrical and those types of jobs. The quandary here is that you will not feel much like working and people’ing as much as usual. Do some charity work or donate some time or items...that may fill your emotional cup and jump start your motivation.

CAPRICORN - Your charm volume is set to high for the next several weeks. Enjoy being as social as you wish and the attention you receive. If you’re thinking about changing your appearance, do it soon, or wait until the Spring. If you get that itch, avoid doing anything too drastic, just for now. Your participation in your workplace or other community may be challenging because you may be feeling rather argumentative and full of yourself. Chances are you are correct in your opinion, but keep your eye on the big picture rather than the little quibbles.

AQUARIUS - You may be feeling a bit Bah Humbug, and its OK. Aquarians are famous for loving humanity but hating humans, and that sounds about right for you at this time. Time alone to rest and reset is perfectly acceptable. This is especially true if you are clashing with authority figures (um, aren’t you usually?). Your career is poised to make a significant jump, but you don’t have to push. You will be noticed without a lot of extra effort. In other words, chill the eff out!

PISCES - You will benefit from being around lots of other people this week and possibly for a few weeks. Your expression of self will be most inspired and authentic when you are surrounded by a variety of people. Charitable events might also scratch an itch for you, especially if you attend with friends. Legal, religious, and educational issues are highlighted and will be positive for you this week.