Bitchstrology for the week of September 4-11 - "Shake it Off" (sorry I can't stop T. Swifting)

Well damn howdy if last week wasn’t an ass-kicker! Woo! It was seriously emotionally fraught for so many people i know! That was a major Full Moon event.  And I'm sorry if I inadvertently shamed you indirectly on social media, but I was legit shocked at how many people thought the Blue Moon was literally going to be colored blue. Nope. But it was pretty much a dick regardless of what color it looked like to you. It will bring about major shifts, and is already doing so...but it was EMO! 

As I type this we have 6 retrograde planets. But Sunday September 3rd Venus goes direct…hallefuckinlujah! Venus has been retrograde in Leo since July 22nd, stirring up issues around worth and joy and if we make ourselves too small, and making some of our relationships janky. Well she’s going to be moving ahead and on into Virgo eventually. And no sooner has she stationed direct that we get Jupiter stationing retrograde to take her place as planet #6.

 Jupiter will retrograde in Taurus, expanding our self worth from the inside. This is about personal growth. All that extroverted energy turns inward and we get to slow down, think about things, look before we leap. We may be less spontaneous during this time. But we are entering a period of the year anyway, when we can all benefit from taking a deep breath and eating a good bowl of soup! You could have some intellectual or philosophical breakthroughs during this introspective time as well.

The transits, in general, point to inner work, shadow work, and lots of opportunities for healing. There are some transits that speak to spiritual insights regarding path and purpose. And at the end of this week there’s an emphasis around your personal authority and boundaries. Try to consciously slow down every day. Slow the grind. Notice the details in your life. Stop rushing. Stop cramming your calendar so full.

Take this week to recover from the last couple. If you’re experiencing Mercury retrograde like I am, you’re probably fairly frustrated! Ease up on expectations for yourself and everything else right now. If you have a healing practice, lean into it. If you don’t, just pray or meditate about it. If you don’t know what to do, the best thing you can do is just slow down, be still, and let the Universe give you what you need. 

Virgo, where the Sun and Mercury currently are, is the sign of the healer. Even though Mercury is being a twatwaffle right now, we can channel our own healing with that energy facing inward like it currently is.

Aaaand, the energy around September 11th can be heavy for the collective. Let’s set an intention for a kind and peaceful week with an elevation of our shared consciousness. I need a Taylor Swift song for that...Hmmm. Maybe "You need to calm down".  or "Delicate".  

What would you pick? 

Here's the Taylor Swift Eras playlist: 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6qSYIKJihVKpWr2HDeHjxS?si=XPHd3PARS62M-VMyJao24Q

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Bitchstrology for that big ol' Blue Full Moon in Pisces August 30, 2023

Woo! Guys, I’m just gonna get right into it because this week is very powerful!

Oh hi, how are you? Mmmm, good. Ok great.

Ok so anyway. Big, powerful breakthroughs this week, Bitch! Here’s the quick n dirty - 

Venus is going direct, Uranus is going retrograde, there’s a Full Blue Moon, and Jupiter is going retrograde!

We have a lot of Earth energy, which can make us feel stuck, stubborn, and a bit too worried about details. Venus going direct will help by giving us some needed fire. But we are still a bit unbalanced in the earth energy.

“Oh but that Full Pisces Moon, Kelly…what about that, ya dumb Bitch?”

 

Oh. MmmHmmm. So we have a bunch of stiff ass Taurus earth. And then we're gonna add a torrential downpour of Pisces. You know what that sounds like? A mudslide. And if I expound upon that metaphor, we have intense emotions AND worry, running amok, knocking down trees and old ladies and mailboxes…it’s not pretty.

What is almost completely lacking this week? AIR! Logic, reason, accountability, boundaries…

Oh, sweet, sweet boundaries. Saturn is retrograde in Pisces. Boundaries, boundaries, whereforeart thou, Boundaries?

We have no idea. Saturn and all decorum is drowning in Pisces! Politics has no boundaries and I think that’s self explanatory. Parents have no boundaries - they’re cracking eggs on their unsuspecting children’s head for fuck’s sake! Dating has no boundaries. AI has no boundaries. Hmmm…Sports might have some. Good job, Sports. Anyway…I’ve gone off roading. Let me get this vehicle back between the lines.

Monday - Uranus, planet of change and rebellion, retrogrades in Taurus, so we can reflect on how we have changed and see how we want to break free

Wednesday - There’s a Full Blue Moon in Pisces. This is the 2nd Full Moon in the month of August, hence the “blue”. This makes it supercharged. This moon is carrying the energy of BIG energetic and emotional release! Saturn retrograde in Pisces is only 3ish degrees away from this moon, either dissolving boundaries or enforcing them. Chiron is hanging out on Wednesday too, offering healing and with Mercury’s help, overcoming and healing blockages.

Friday is interesting because for one, Mars is quincunx Saturn, which can be frustrating. Ok its not interesting, its frustrating. But then…then there is the occultation of Neptune by the moon. The Moon occults, or obscures, Neptune. Neptune is the planet of dream, fantasy, illusion, intuition. If the moon, our emotional intelligence, is obscuring the illusion, then we must be facing the truth…yes?

Yes. So this is still related to that release of the Full Moon. It’s a doozy.

Saturday and Sunday we get some planetary vitamins. Saturday the Sun is quincunx Chariklo. Chariklo helps us have compassion and hold space for ourselves, and boy is that well timed! Thanks, girl!

Sunday Venus goes direct, thank goddess! The show resumes! Intermission is over! The house lights are flickering! Back to your seats! Places!

Also on Sunday Neptune is quincunx Lilith. This is personal growth! I have fewer exclamatory sentences for this one! That’s it! Personal Growth! That’s enough!

And that’s a wrap for this week! It’s a big one. It could be dramatic. It could be emotional. It could be intense. But you know what? It could also be beautiful. It could also be liberating. It could also be celebratory. It could also be revolutionary and/or revelatory! (Ooooh, word play. Look, there’s Air!)

We do actually need some Air energy. So in Bitchscopes I suggest how you can balance all this muddy mess with an air sign/house well aspected to to your sign. I also suggest what you might consider releasing in a full moon ceremony. For these ceremonies, write some things down on small pieces of paper. To release the energy, either burn the paper or put the paper in a small container of water. Or partially burn it and put it in the water. There aren’t rules in magic! Put the water/ashes/paper under the moonlight (with your crystals if you’re charging them). Before the Sun is fully up, toss your wish water out in your garden and bring in your crystals. Also, if you want to release something that isn’t mentioned in your horoscope…do it!

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BitchStrology for the week of August 20th - Get Your Shit Together!

Hey Bitches! 

This planet is insane. I’m in the path of Hurricane Hilary and I’m inland in central California! I’ll be fine, but as I type this we are putting batteries in everything. It should be just a storm by the time it gets to me, but I hope my friends in So Cal will be ok.  There’s so much earth trauma right now.  Maui.  Wildfires all over Canada.  A hurricane in California?! There are wildfires in the Canary Islands in Spain…(Spain has been hot AF and drought-stricken for a couple years).  One can only hope that this is Mother Nature giving us a slap to pay attention to climate change and that the powers that be will finally get it!  Uranus in Taurus has some say in these crazy events. But…that’s not what we are talking about today. 

This is a week of Mercury stationing retrograde! Moreover, the Sun and Mars both change signs, and Uranus stations retrograde. 

Once Uranus stations retrograde, we will have 6 planets in retro.  Jupiter will join them in September, but then Mercury and Venus will go direct by mid-September, giving us just 5 planets retrograde.  During this period of so many retrogrades, you might hear a lot of bullshit that feels unnerving.  Don’t buy into any fear mongering…this is normal and happens every single year. Mars and Venus retrogrades are probably the most intense for most people.  Mercury retrogrades so often it's more like…period cramps…an annoying inconvenience.  

But back to this week…with this many planets changing energies we will have to  adjust.  So this week might be less pleasant.  I’m calling this week’s energy “Get your shit together!” and here’s why: 

We start the week on Monday with the Sun quincunx Pluto, which can make us a smidge neurotic or obsessive.  Lilith also trines Eris on Monday, an aspect I was giddy about last week.  Focus on feeling empowered.  Say yes to personal boundaries and standing in your power. Say no to Facebook stalking your ex’s new wife. 

Tuesday is a mixed bag, and I don’t mean apples and oranges… I mean strawberries and fish!  Venus Square Jupiter is quite optimistic, but Mars opposite Neptune is the opposite! Mars opposite Neptune can feel discouraging and inadequate.  You are perfectly adequate and worthy of happiness, so try to lean into the strawberry energy.  And if that doesn’t work, just know that any shitty feelings you have will change soon. 

Wednesday the Sun enters Virgo and Mercury begins its retrograde in Virgo.  This is the “get your shit together” energy.  Virgo is precise and detail oriented.  She is embodied and in touch with the flesh suit.  She is dedicated, hardworking, perfectionist, and she can feel critical.  It might be self critical, or it might make some of us critical of others.  Virgo is also very giving, generous, and charitable, so it is a big shift from the massive Leo energy and we might have a bit of an energetic hangover for a few days.  

Mercury retrograde in Virgo is very detail oriented, introspective and focused on routine.  This retrograde might mess up something with your day-to-day flow, tasks, habits, etc.  Like at work instead of working on the massive pile of deadlines you were planning on attacking, you might be “asked” to help a co-worker, and it completely jacks up your flow.  Wherever you have Virgo in your chart, you might be a little obsessive and hyper-focused. Make sure you aren’t over communicating.  Read your emails 2-3 times before sending, both for errors and for pissy-ness.  Back up important data.  Have batteries on hand.  Tend to the needs of your car.  Have phone numbers handy for a plumber, HVAC guy, handyman, electrician, mechanic, etc.  If you aren’t shocked when your car battery suddenly fails, it is a lot less jarring. As a single mother, a dashboard light would send me into a panic.  

Mars is quincunx the North Node on Wednesday as well, so you might need to make adjustments to your plans. Virgo might be the one who finds the error in the process.  She’s useful and helpful even when she’s a bit annoying. 

Thursday through Saturday we have determination and genius problem solving skills thanks to Mars trine Pluto and Mercury conjunct Pallas, respectively. Friday is a no pants day…woohoo!

Sunday, don’t be surprised if something just doesn’t work out. The Sun is opposite Saturn which is a restrictive, contractive energy.  Thank goddess, Mars enters Libra on Sunday, giving us charm and courage. Mars in Libra is an upbeat, generous energy.  Watch for playing (or arguing with) Devil’s advocate. 

Monday is when Uranus stations retrograde in Taurus. Taurus is physical resources, comfort, luxury, sensuality, money, and food.  Uranus, planet of change and rebellion, is an outer, social planet who mostly affects society as a whole.  But Aquarians and strong Uranian people could feel it personally.  Overall it’s an energy of breaking free, rebelling, embracing change. It pairs well with Mercury retrograde in Virgo.  

Mix it up. Get organized.  Get chaotic.  Take it apart to put it back together.  Change things up.  Say no.  Say yes unexpectedly.  Change your mind. Change it back.  Make a list. Make another list. Make a list with colored markers. Download 6 apps.  Face your fears. Refine your goals. Question your own authenticity. Question your purpose. Make a better budget. Decide to be vegan or vegetarian.  Don’t spend too much money. Change how you spend money. Strategize. Make new alliances.  Recognize and accept your feelings about your relationship.  Stand up for justice and equality. Use your charm to move mountains.  Stand still and feel our own power. 

Get your shit together!