I’m late, I’m late…BitchScopes for May 1-8

Sorry scopes are late.  I took a beat to rest, feel like shit, have a migraine, sweat profusely due to prednisone withdrawal, swear at boxes, shuffle aimlessly through the cardboard chaos that is moving, and basically just be a mess.  I suck at resting.  A lot.  But my body is forcing me to.   I had covid last August and I’m definitely having some long covid issues.  Then I got shingles. My migraines are hormonal.  I’m all fucked up, y’all.  

Anyway that’s why they’re late.  

So there are a large number of sextiles in the transits this week.  Sextiles are chill and cooperative, so it looks like this week will be mostly gentle. (Thank fuck for small mercies!) 

There’s a lot of change afoot, stirred up by the eclipse and Uranus. Idanno how I feel about that, in light of the “news” around Roe v Wade. The US is in the midst of its Pluto return, and the chart for Roe v Wade has some challenging transits happening as well.  It’s interesting to study, disturbing to watch unfold.  

Excuse me, I must go iron my red handmaids robe.  Here are your extra bitchy BitchScopes! 

ARIES - keep your head down and focus on whatever your current pet project is.  There’s potentially some drama among friends that you want no part of.  It will settle without your help, so just stay out of the fray. 

TAURUS - Happy Birthday! If you feel a tad blue and withdrawn, it will pass. It’s normal around birthdays, actually.  But the eclipse and it’s dust ups might have you feeling a little bajiggity, needy, or nostalgic. This week, treat yourself to what your heart needs;  If that’s a cashmere pillow and some Godiva chocolate, well then the heart wants what the heart wants! 

GEMINI - if your nervous system has been out of whack or over-wound, Mercury retrograde may actually help you.  It is in your sign, and it is likely to be a pain in the ass for all the stereotypical reasons (communications, computers, cars, you know). BUT, there’s a reset for you within this cycle.  Mercury stations retrograde next Tuesday, so set some intentions for it like you would for a new moon.  Crazy? Maybe.  Do it anyway cuz I said so! 

CANCER - one of the changes stirred up for you may be around a theme of “focus”. your attention may be in too many different places/groups/projects.  You’ve pulled this off for quite awhile but you may need to rein it in for the 2nd half of this year.  This relatively peaceful week is a good time to make some lists and examine what your true priorities are. 

LEO - there’s a mixture of sincere pride in your own work, and a sort of wistfulness about things you haven’t done and that you realistically may not get to do.  Accepting limits is not always your strong suit.  But knowing yourself and your limitations makes a good leader, and you are already that.  Make peace with what is and what is not meant to be.  

VIRGO - you are definitely having a period of golden glory, and you deserve it.  You’ve been through more than most.  There’s someone who has played an important role that you are deliberately avoiding gratitude for.  That’s worth looking into to see why that is.   Mercury retrograde might is a good opportunity to explore this.  

LIBRA - Nostalgia may get the best of you and have you longing for what you think were simpler times.  They weren’t simpler.  The mind is a powerful and protective thing and I can blur the difficult details sometimes.  What’s in front of you is way better than what’s behind you.  The eclipses will be blowing good stuff your way soon.  

SCORPIO - you may feel like your mojo is out to lunch.  Don’t be a silly bitch! Your mojo is as hot as it ever was.  However, you may be experiencing a shift in how your magic expresses itself.  Let this develop and don’t try to steer the river.  Be an observer while we are in this eclipse hallway. You’ll figure out the password to your mojo very soon!

SAGITTARIUS - if you feel like you’re doing the 2 steps forward 1 step back dance, you likely are.  There seems to be moments and bursts of progress and then periods of ebb.  You are making progress, just not as fast as you’d like, as usual.  If you look back over the last 6 months at how much you’ve changed and learned, it might help your perspective.  

CAPRICORN - take your vitamins, because you will find yourself on a mission or a passion project soon, (if it hadn’t already happened).  It’s not as though moss has been gathering on your back (it never has!) but your fire has been on low for a bit.  You’ll feel that satisfaction you’ve been craving soon enough.  

AQUARIUS - if you’ve been feeling that your friends group has been very thinned out or stripped down (and it may have been for quite awhile), you have some great new connections to look forward to.  It will be coalescing over the course of this year, but your tribe is forming.  It’s overdue for you, and you’ll feel great about it. 

PISCES - if you recently took a gamble and spoke your mind to someone and it didn’t go the way you hoped, don’t freak out.  The can of worms you opened may be just the right worms for the job.  Try to let things unfold without fussing too much.  Be cool.  Let mercury retrograde do its thing, too.  It will suss out details you need to see

What to Expect When You're Eclipsing - New Moon Solar Eclipse BitchScopes for the week of April 25th

Hey bitches! I’m buried in boxes so I’m gonna cut right to the chase. The big deal this week is the New Moon Solar Eclipse, of course. This is a Taurus new moon, and this set of eclipses will be in Taurus and Scorpio all year. When the feminine energy of the moon blocks out the masculine energy of the sun, we are reminded, perhaps not subtly, that we must pay attention to our bodies, our senses, our physicality, our sexuality. We are “asked” to pay attention to our own value, as well as what we value. New moon eclipses are a wilder version of a new moon, and can cause a little chaos. But chaos is a core element of the creative process, so we can expect new opportunities and projects to start swirling around us. Some doors will fly open and some will slam shut, and all of this is a course correction to get us back in alignment with our purpose and our path.

Uranus in Taurus is conjunct the eclipse, which normally could indicate some possible upsetting surprises, but Mars in Pisces sextile the eclipse offsets that with motivation and well-directed energy. Changes that come from this eclipse are likely to be very positive ones that offer a breath of fresh air. (The exception to that would be if you have been holding on to something for way too long and the Universe has to pry it from your blue fingers for your own good. In such cases, the changes would be more jarring and upsetting.)  New projects are very much favored in this swirl of planetary juju. Money, Luck and love are all around. Then, as we emerge from the eclipse energy into the month of May, Venus, Jupiter, and Neptune are in a triple conjunction in Pisces that sextiles this eclipse, offering a dreamy, artsy, sensitive hug.

While new moons are great for manifesting rituals, an eclipse can be a little too “busy”, so it's often better to pull in the oars and go with the flow. However, spend some time in the days leading up to the eclipse thinking about things you really want to materialize in your life. If you’ve been doing “the work” up to this point, then you’ve likely decided which river to set your kayak in, which is like setting an intention for the journey.

So without further adieu, let’s see what each sign can expect for this eclipse.

ARIES - You’ve got money on your mind, and the desire to increase that flow into your bank account. This eclipse could definitely open a door for a new opportunity to make some moola. You may also feel pretty spendy. So depending on what you’re trying to accomplish, you may need to get your finances organized and look at an actual budget. Your self esteem could get a boost during this time as well.


TAURUS - It could be time for a “new you”. If you’ve been thinking about a new hair style or having some kind of “work” done on yourself, this is good time for it. This moon is going to give a zhuzh to your overall energy level too. So if you’ve had the winter blahs, you should start to feel better, even if the weather is still weird where you are.


GEMINI - If you feel called to do it, volunteering for a cause you care about is well-timed after this eclipse. Comfort is a theme of Taurus, so you might be able to offer some to someone else, and it will fill your cup as well. Be aware of any sneaky Taurus behaviors you might be doing, like overspending or over indulging. Seclusion and quiet time is good for you right now.


CANCER - Friendships can get a boost during this new moon solar eclipse. Your connection may become more honest/genuine/easy than in the past. If you’re called to it, joining a group that deals in humanitarian issues would be the perfect new project for you. You have a lot to offer such a group and it will shift some things in your life that might feel stuck.


LEO- If you are a career-minded person, this new moon solar eclipse could very well stir up a promotion or raise for you. Regardless of what you do or don’t do for work, there is some advancement imminent in your public sector, and there will be more attention on you. If you become the topic of discussion or gossip, consider it a good sign. Don’t even blink about what’s being said, because it doesn’t matter…it is an indication that your star is indeed rising.


VIRGO - This eclipse is likely to stir up both desire and opportunity for you to expand your current life experience. Travel is one such opportunity that may show up, so dust off your luggage. This transit also bodes well for writing and publishing, and may give you the prod you need to move forward with a project.


LIBRA - If you are looking for a loan, the next few weeks is a good window for you to apply. You might also work on paying off some debt or other things that relate to “other people’s money”. This eclipse also activates personal transformation, and sexuality. Intimacy may be a theme that rises to the surface. Depending on how well you know yourself, it could be a little uncomfortable. However, if you are an intense person, then the intensity of these transits probably won’t even faze you.


SCORPIO - This new moon solar eclipse rules all of your contractual relationships, as well as “the devil you know”. Most of the time, you don’t give much of a damn about people who don’t like you. But if something starts nagging at you about such a person or situation, do the deeper work and examine why it bothers you. Opportunities for new relationships can present now, too.


SAGITTARIUS - this eclipse may kick off a cycle for you of awareness of your personal health and wellness. A new fitness routine is one possible outcome. If your life has felt messy, you may also be motivated to impart some order to the chaos, which may include a change to some of your personal habits. This transit also affects small pets and your daily work, so a new fur baby may be cards for you in the near future.


CAPRICORN - Good news for you! This eclipse will spark a new cycle of overall fun for you. Playing, going to gatherings and parties, a romance are very possible outcomes for you over the course of this year. This is cosmic justice for all the crap you’ve been through with the tough planets in your sign for so long. You should expect an uptick in your creative energy too, though it may not come as a lightning bolt so much as a slow simmer that builds up to your previous levels.


AQUARIUS - This eclipse affects your home life, your actual dwelling, and your family. If you’ve been following me, you know I am an Aquarius, and that I JUST moved houses and am in the midst of cardboard chaos. So if you’re an Aquarius, you may be moving this year (because eclipse energy carries out over months, and other eclipses will take place on this same axis all year), or you may be remodeling, decluttering, or decorating. I will be doing all of those, and I already need a drink and a nap! This transit also indicates more focus on family and more time with them. (is that good or bad?) If you’re moving and you need boxes…holla at ya girl. 


PISCES - This eclipse will kick off a cycle of communication and information. If you’re a writer, this bodes well for both writing and publishing all year. You will have an easier time gathering and understanding information in general, and communication with others will be good. Your sibling relationships can benefit from this transit as well. And you may find yourself with new neighbors. (They are probably an Aquarius!)

Sweary Spirituality Advice - BitchScopes for April 18-25

Hey my beautiful Bitchtresses and Bitchsters, this weeks Scopes are going to be a bit brief due to the fact that I am in the middle of a bunch of “stuff” right now. (Nothing terrible, just the chaos of moving, and a bunch of ordinary life shit, plus teenagers, graduations, proms, etc etc. You get the idea. Just a nutty week!)

There is a fair bit of emphasis on relationshippy stuff this week, but I do also sense the potential for some tensions. Part of this is due to some of us being activated and triggered by Lilith. For some of us, our expressions of independence and original thinking will be a boon to our relationship; for others, it may stir up some insecurities. However, there is enough soft and romantic vibes floating about to soothe some of what may come to the surface.

There’s a carry-over theme of work being a bit disrupted, or the flow being interrupted. This may be extra frustrating if you have a strong Mercury in your chart. Mercurial minds will be sharp and fast and ready to solve problems, but may be frustrated when the rest of the world is 2 pages behind them.

The big news this week is the Sun moving into sexy Taurus. We will instinctively want to slow down and experience things more than usual. Our senses become more activated. We will crave comfort and security in various forms. And we will be determined. Once we set our sights on something this month, we will be driven to reach that goal. Balance is going to be important. So for every project you tackle out of sheer stubbornness, treat yourself to a bath, a good meal, a massage, etc. It’s a beautiful time of year (it it has stopped snowing where you are) to smell the flowers. The world is starting to bloom and come back to life, so take some time to get out and see, smell, hear, touch, and taste it.

The ingress of the Sun into Taurus is going to be the defining theme of the scopes for each Sign. And I’m going to pull an oracle or tarot card for each to show us where the Taurus energy will touch us….oooh, that sounded Taurean…touch us…hee hee.





ARIES - I pulled for you one of my favorite cards from my Sweary Spirituality deck: You can NOT eat a pizza through the screen door. Neither can you be open to truly receiving if you are trying to filter what you receive.” This means that if you want to attract abundance and good stuff in to your life, you need to be open to receiving criticism and some judgement too. Should other people be judging you? No. But they will anyway. You have to open the door all the way to receive the pizza, or else you have to just lick the pizza through the screen door so you don’t risk letting in anything else.
I often use this phrase to explain this: “You know you’re over target when you start catching flak”. This supposedly originated during WW2 from bomber pilots. Bottom line: Some vulnerability is required to get what you want.

TAURUS - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 2: “Reflection Projection - assuming people don’t accept you because it feels less risky than finding out.” Yet another challenge about vulnerability. So, you’re a Taurus, and Tauruses are pretty damn likeable. However, there will always be some people who don’t like you for whatever reason. Can you be ok with that? Instead of guarding yourself and feeling on the defensive so much, just be your amazing self and if you’re not someone’s cuppa tea, oh well!! That is OK! There’s no need for you to make yourself uncomfortable and prickly so that someone can’t hurt you just by not “liking” you.

GEMINI - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 2: “Rejection Deflection - blaming other people for their non-acceptance of us so we don’t have to own our own actions”. Oof, this one can feel harsh. (I swear I shuffled the deck! Your card is the natural next card after the one I pulled for Taurus!) The best example I have for this right now is people who date married men/women. There are so many explanations for why people do this. But the best one I know is that if you date a married person and it ends, probably badly, you can blame the other person and their spouse rather than looking at your own issues, flaws, and character faults. Own your own shit, that’s all. It’s not always easy…it’s called Shadow Work.

CANCER - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 2: Where have you made yourself unavailable to success because you’re afraid of the commitment (to your own greatness)?” We often refer to “fear of failure, but I’ve found that fear of success is often just as significant. Success requires vulnerability, visibility, time, commitment, and living large. You can’t remain small and in a tiny, pleasing box, probably crafted for you by other people, if you want big success, fame, acknowledgement, etc. Come out of your shell!

LEO - I have to say, I really love this damn deck that I created. It is so attuned! From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 2: “Bravery isn’t absence of fear. Courage is persistence in spite of fear.” Dude, that is so Leonine! You are famous for being brave and bold and confident, but the shadow side of that is that strength can become a habit, and sometimes, a facade. It is important you allow yourself time and space to feel fear, anger and sadness, and not just feel like you HAVE to be a big, brave badass all the time. Courage requires authenticity and vulnerability!

VIRGO - Another hit from my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 2! “Guilt is to the spirit what injury is to the body”. Virgo, feel guilt? Wuuuuut? Look, you hold yourself to the high standard that you hold everyone else to, and generally your standards can be somewhat unrealistic. You can’t possibly be all things to all people and fix everyone’s broken things. Guilt can also become a coping mechanism to avoid vulnerability. Stay with me on this. This falls in the same vein as “tis better to give than to receive”. Sure, because giving makes you the hero and receiving requires some vulnerability. If you didn’t give your ALL, and you’re feeling guilty about it, flip the script and pat yourself on the back! Keep some for yourself!!

LIBRA - Oh, I love this card for you! From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 2: “It is a great art to saunter” (Thoreau) Do you have more than 2 speeds? “Downshift” does not necessarily lead to “downfall”. You don’t have to work yourself to death and hold yourself to a standard that sacrifices so much other sources of joy in your life. What would it take for you to slow down and receive? What if you didn’t constantly judge yourself for not doing enough, or not achieving enough or not earning enough? Can you be OK with things being just “ok”? Saunter. It is OK!

SCORPIO - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 1 - “Stop taking shit as payment for your love”. Scorpios get a bad rap for being dark and moody and secretive and vindictive and suspicious and paranoid. And look, you know you’re all those things. We love your spooky, moody ass! But being familiar with the shadow means sometimes you can embrace it a bit too much. You can be very sensitive and loving and vulnerable, and you should expect the same in return. Someone needs to take care of the dark little corners of your heart when you can’t. So hold your partners to higher standards, OR stop holding it against them when you’ve accepted it as “fine”.

SAGITTARIUS - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 1, a card that leapt out of the deck as I’d expect from a Sagittarius…”Emotions are like water. Let them flow. (Alternatively you could think of them as little creatures who will stalk you relentlessly until you acknowledge them.) A Sagittarius might enjoy the stalking, but the point is, feel your feelings. You don’t need to philosophize your feelings, or take them on a hike in the desert, or pontificate on them. Just feel them. When you acknowledge and feel your feelings, they actually will just continue moving and the anxiety will recede. Then you can go for a hike.

CAPRICORN - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 1- “Saying NO helps you honor your boundaries. You are obligated to do that which you are paid for. Otherwise…fuck that shit.” This is perfect for Capricorn because you are so driven to achieve, you have a hard time turning opportunities down. The thing is, because you are good at so many things, people want your help and advice and time. Not everything that is offered to you is worth your time and effort, period. This applies to feelings as well as tasks.

AQUARIUS - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 2 - “Evolution doesn’t happen by chance, it happens by change, and change happens by choice.” Ah Aquarius, the sign of the future, the visionary, the Uranus ruled rebel, the bitch that hates change! Wuuuut?! What was Goddess thinking when she put those things together in a single entity? So contradictory, but exactly what an Aquarius needs to be pushed forward. Where you feel frustrated, really examine what change you are resisting.

PISCES - From my “Sweary Spirituality” Deck 1 - Pretty simple: “You deserve joy. Choose it.” Is it simple? No, of course not. We didn’t sign up for “simple”, we signed up to be human…ugh. But it is not simple when you are the sign that embodies all the energies. I mean, no presh, just be everything to everyone! That is your auto-pilot mode: please, merge, become one with. But sometimes, you can actually exist as a single drop of water within the ocean. Do something that pleases only YOU on a regular basis. Try once this week to start. Joy is your fucking birthright!



Monday 4/18

• Mercury conjunct Uranus - stimulates thinking; flashes of brilliance
• Venus sextile Uranus - fun, excitement, receive unexpected money
• Sun square Pluto - ego conflicts, authority issues, conflict

Tuesday 4/19

• Sun enters Taurus - we are grounded, practical, determined, and ready to experience all our senses
• Sun sextile juno - focus on relationship

Wednesday 4/20

• Mercury square Vesta - interruptions in the work environment, communication and flow
• Juno enters Pisces - romance and dreaminess with partner
• Sun sextile Lilith - independent and fiercely proud

Thursday 4/21

• Saturn square North Node - restricted by obligations

Friday 4/22
take a break! 


Saturday 4/23

• Juno trine Lilith - your independent personality can actually facilitate ease in relationship
• Mercury conjunct North Node - stimulated and strategic mind

Sunday 4/24

• Mercury square Saturn - focus; working alone
• Mercury sextile Neptune- relaxing, creative energy

Monday 4/25

• Venus square Ceres - expressing love and nurturing
• Venus sextile North Node - attracts positive things, comfort, compassion